


Of knowing and being known

by neilskey (spellitwithyourpeas)



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:58:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8411092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellitwithyourpeas/pseuds/neilskey
Summary: Neil's struggling and Allison gets shit done about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For @yikesjosten for the AFTG Exchange

The restlessness had started a couple a months ago. The quiet withdrawal set in only a week or two ago. The behavior felt familiar to Neil, maybe even comfortable. He couldn’t pin point the exact moment it started, but it was safe to say it was somewhere between when Renee announced excitedly that she’d submitted her application to the Peace Corps and when Allison started passing around pictures of the apartments in New York City she was considering.

It started with an uneasy, stray thought that snowballed into a loose association of abandonment. Almost as if that nervous energy had clawed its way inside and buried itself far beyond his reach.

It had been easy when it was just him. Quietly slipping away without being noticed and hitchhiking to the next town, shedding his identity with little care to what he was leaving behind. The only time he ran and left someone of importance was the day he buried his mother’s bones.

Nathaniel was dead and gone, but Neil still felt threatened by the future he was still learning to call his own.

But it was his. He held onto that truth firmly, along with the knowledge that his friends had no intention of parting ways for good. Skype calls were already being planned, he knew there’d be a new text in the group chat every day, and Allison was already planning the trips the Foxes would take.

 His mind knew, but his body had been trained to run. So, when the gnawing urgency set in during Dan’s talk of taking an assistant coaching job a few states over, Neil forced himself to imagine the future he knew to be true.

They would leave, but they would come back.

The problem was that the fear opened many doors and there was one specifically he didn’t want to pass through. Neil had four more years with Andrew at his side. The fact that Andrew never planned far in advance helped.

But some nights, Neil’s dreams betrayed him. He woke struggling to catch his breath as the image of Andrew walking away blended with what felt like reality. But in the dream his screaming never worked, the pleading or even trying to chase after Andrew proved unsuccessful. He walked away and never looked back.

The raw feeling in his throat from screaming his name felt all too real when Neil finally woke.

When he finally did, he lay awake trying to memorize every line, every lash, every twitch of movement of the man sleeping at his side.

On some nights, Andrew woke with him. A hand would curl around his neck, a grounding force he’d been waiting for his whole life.

_“Breathe.”_

His command, hoarse with sleep, resonated in the space between them. And Neil listened. He breathed and he settled.

Andrew was there, at his side with a question in his eyes. The instinct to lie came all too easy and the problem was Andrew believed him when he mumbled a name or a memory that easily justified his restlessness.

And after Andrew fell back asleep, it wasn’t the nightmare that kept him awake, it was the guilt.

Last night had been one of those nights and a wave exhaustion rolled through Neil as he stretched out on the blue mat in the gym.

He must have been staring at nothing for a while because Allison crawled out her hand and tapped at his foot.

“Neil.”

He shook his head, refocusing, “Sorry, what were you saying?”

The blond wrinkled her nose up in scrutiny, “Nothing, actually, and that’s my point.” She narrowed her eyes, “You're quieter than usual. Do I need to kick your monster’s ass?”

Neil arched an eyebrow as he bent low and swatted her hand away, "You know I hate that you still call him that."

Allison waved a dismissive hand, "A lots changed since you came here Neil, but not enough to ditch the nickname. Besides, you’re evading the question.”

"Things are fine with me and Andrew." She didn’t miss the warning in his tone.

Allison studied him, pursing her lips. "Alright. If it’s not Andrew then it must be Exy related, God knows you need to expand your interests, but that’s another conversation. It can’t be the team; we’re doing better than ever.”

Neil winced as his composure wavered.

"Ah." Allison nodded, "this is about next year."

Allison Reynolds was more perceptive than she let on, or he was slowly becoming more transparent. If Neil was as into betting as the rest of his team, he would have put his money on the latter.

"I don't want to talk about it."

She shrugged, "It will be different, but different doesn't always mean bad, Neil. We're a team, no matter where we all are." Allison sighed as she sat up, “Shit, that sounded corny. But we’re with you, ok? And you’re not going to be carrying the Foxes alone.”

“Is this the part where you tell me that you’ll all be with me in spirit?”

He flashed a wry smile and she rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. Let's go lift."

\---

A few hours later, Allison found herself looking for Andrew. There were only so many places he could be. He never strayed far from campus, not without Neil.

She found him in the parking lot leaning against the Maserati.

If he was surprised to see her, he didn't let it show.

"Monster."

"Reynolds." He gave her a bored stare, and flicked the smoldering ash off the butt of his cigarette.

Allison stared at his blank expression for a moment before she squared her shoulders, “You should go talk to Neil. See what’s eating him up, because he sure as hell isn’t talking to me.”

“That surprise you?” He asked.

She resisted crossing her arms and straightened, savoring the height she had on him, “No. But he’s obviously scared shitless about next year and something tells me that a conversation with you will get better results.”

“Think so?”

He took a long drag and exhaled the smoke in her direction.

Allison waved the it away, “Just go comfort your boyfriend, asshole.”

Andrew watched her stride back to the dorm.

When she was out of sight, Andrew dropped the cigarette and ground it against the asphalt with the toe of his boot.

He found Neil tucked away in a corner of the library, his headphones on as he furiously scratched out a problem on graph paper. His eyes widened at Andrew’s approach, before realization swept over his expression.

Neil pressed his lips in a thin line.

"Allison."

Andrew ignored the statement. Neil already had his confirmation.

He was there after all.

"Maybe I just wanted to see how your studies were fairing."

"That's bullshit."

Andrew shrugged, unimpressed.

“Fine.” Clasping a hand against the back of Neil’s neck, he leaned down and suggested lowly, “Let’s go for a drive.”

Neil shivered, but it was all too soon before Andrew withdrew his touch and walked away.

Neil glanced down at the unsolved problem with resignation that today would not be the day it got solved. Not that it mattered really.

He gathered his things and caught up just as Andrew was starting the car. He slid in and buckled his seatbelt and exhaled in anticipation.  

Andrew started to drive and relief pooled in Neil’s belly as the campus faded in the rearview. He should have seen this coming.

It wasn’t about the game or the team. The Foxes would be fine. Wymack had an eye that hadn’t failed him yet.

This was about his family, one he never expected to have or want. His future had always been one day at a time. The next bed. The next meal. The next name and disguise.

Now it was felt like time had slowed around him and it was a luxury he was learning to love. His gaze followed the undulating wave of telephone wires and he let his thoughts wander from his worries.

Andrew was content with the silence. Occasionally he glanced Neil’s way for a moment before he dragged his eyes back to the road. A few minutes later they pulled into the gravel lot of a park. It was surprisingly empty for such a warm, sunny day.

It was quiet.

Andrew turned the key, shutting off the engine and waited, his fingers pulled mindlessly at the edges of his wristbands. “So.”

Neil glanced his way, lifting his head up from the glass, waiting for Andrew to continue.

“What’s so bad that you had to talk to Allison before me?”

Neil rolled his eyes, “I didn’t start that conversation.”

“Not important. It happened and I’m playing catch up.”

Neil took a slow breath and uncurled his fingers, examining the crescent indentations in his palm. He sighed before confessing quietly. “They’re going to be leaving. Eventually. And that’s….” he paused, finding the words to a thought he’d never been willing to voice.

Neil faced Andrew, noting the patience behind his stern expression.

 “That’s new for me. Usually I’m the one that leaves. And now,” he swallowed, “now it’s them. And that’s fine, it’s just different.”

“You knew that going in though.”

Grimacing, Neil glanced back at the vacant park and collected his thoughts.

“I know. And there’s still time, and I know it’s stupid-,”

 “It’s not stupid.”

Andrew’s words were almost harsh.

Carding a hand through his hair, Neil tensed as the words escaped, “And then there’s us.”

Andrew was silent for a moment. If Neil had looked up, he would have noticed the twitch as Andrew clenched his jaw.

 “What about us?”

Neil didn’t want to look at him.

For once, he didn’t want to see Andrew’s bored expression. When Neil didn’t answer, or look his way, Andrew leaned over and tucked his fingers under Neil’s chin, forcing him to meet his gaze.

“What. About. Us?”

His eyes were clear and focused and Neil wondered what emotion they concealed. He thought he saw a trace of fear in them.

“Are we going to make it?” It came out as a whisper and he couldn’t hold back the waver of uncertainty. He stared over, “When you leave?”  

 “Fuck, Neil.” Andrew shook his head and released his grip on him, leaning back into the driver’s seat. “We’re going to fucking make it, alright?”

He said it so vehemently that any attempt at a response was stuck in Neil’s throat. To his surprise, Andrew wasn’t finished. He leaned over and slipped his fingers into Neil’s pocket and Neil startled.

“Calm down.” Andrew muttered and a second later he showed Neil the keys he had once handed to him.

“Look at me. You see these?”

Neil met his gaze again, it was all steel, and nodded. His heart raced.

“I’m only going to say this once.” Andrew’s voice was firm as he held the keys hung suspended between his two fingers, “I don’t give things away lightly. Do you understand?”

When Neil was sure he could answer, he replied with a soft, “I understand.”

“Good.”

Andrew tossed the keys back in Neil’s lap and started the car without a second glance. Neil palmed the keys and enjoyed their weight for a moment before returning them to his pocket. They didn’t speak on the drive back. Neil’s gaze was trained on the road ahead, but in his periphery, he saw Andrew gripping the wheel tight.

Andrew had said “things.” And that’s how it began. A shared cigarette and a set of keys.

But bearing his scars and skin pressed against skin, of knowing and being known…those moments that passed between them were not things. They were calculatingly shared.

Neil hadn’t forgotten that.

After they returned to campus, he headed straight to the roof knowing Andrew wasn’t far behind him. When Neil turned to face him, Andrew was close.

Neil swallowed hard, looping his fingers under Andrew’s wristbands and pulled him gently towards him.

It came out as a whisper, “Yes or no?”

“Yes, you idiot.” Andrew growled out.

There was no hesitation when he spoke. Neil trailed his fingers out from under the bands, and laced them through Andrew’s fingers. He kissed him slowly, drawing him closer.

Andrew pressed him against the concrete wall and placed Neil’s hands on his waist. Neil broke, resting his forehead against Andrews and smiled before kissing him lightly.

“We’ll be late for dinner if we stay out here.”

Andrew leaned in, “So we’ll be late for dinner then.”

\---

When Andrew and Neil walked in to the cafeteria a good half hour past their usual time, Nicky passed a devilish smile their way. Renee waved, and Dan and Matt grinned at the two. Aaron rolled his eyes and went back to talking with Katelyn.

Allison was quiet, but she continued to watch Neil throughout the meal.

He chatted with Renee who was quietly hiding her delight as she hung onto his every word. Allison didn’t miss how Neil brushed Andrew’s wrist before getting up to go get Andrew a second helping from the soft serve ice cream machine.

She was satisfied.

Allison met Andrew’s gaze and gave a brusque nod of thanks that he didn’t return.

Neil was going to be just fine.

\----

A few months later, they were taking a drive when Andrew pulled into a small apartment complex. The buildings were modern and surrounded a small park. There was nothing outwardly special that would attract the eye, but from the looks of it, the area was quiet and tucked away from the busy street. It was an easy fifteen-minute walk to campus.

Andrew jerked his head to the buildings and muttered quietly, “I like these ones.”

Neil smiled.

"Me too."


End file.
